defeat

The joints in her fingers bent as the bones curled and clutched at stark white sheets. They pooled around her form, feet and leg tangled in it's mess. The lights were off but as the sun rose, trying with all its might to filter through the milky curtains and dusty blinds, it managed to splash a hazy yellow against the walls of the room. A single breath weighed heavily into the silence.

Black was splayed against the snow hued mattress, contrasting. Like herself. Contrast, something dark against the light. But there could not be one without the other...that's what she heard anyways. Yin and yang, was it? Balance.

Hana did not know anything about balance. She was more of a dirty smudge against something white, clean and pure.

Through the thin material, she could feel her nails crushing into her palms.

She was chaos. Even now, laying in the morning calm. Her pose tranquil, eyelashes resting against her skin and her lips slightly parted; there was chaos.

She wanted to cry, to scream, to break every little fragile thing in this room. But she couldn't move, her body felt heavy. Like it would slowly sink through the bed and slip into some other dimension where it was cold and dark. Where nobody could find her, touch her.  Break her.

"I'm sorry." she whispered to no one. She was sorry for everything, how things had turned in her life. Sorry for her existence now. Indulging in that self loathing, self pity. She briefly wondered if her mother had ever gotten to this point, if it ever stopped for her. Did she ever come to an acceptance of how utterly fucked up everything was? Did her soul remain beautiful to the very end?

Maybe she just died long before her body did, before her brain began to rot.

"I'm sorry." Hana whispered again and she turned to press her face into a pillow.